December 5, 2012

Search for Solitude

Sitting in my room alone
Wrapped warmly in a quilt
Cold wind blowing outside my window
Feeling not a pang of guilt

There is a certain feel of comfort
With a loved one so close by
But that feeling is not near enough
When unable to see eye to eye

Our dreams were quickly shattered
Hopes of a future are no more
Time we spent mere memories
Grieving felt to the very core

Solitude for peace of mind
Time alone to heal
We lost so much in so little time
But our friendship remains strong & real
Now & in our solitude.

January 2, 2011

My Solitary Love...

Have you ever loved someone on the quiet

Where your deepest feelings are kept a secret

You are drawn to the person like a magnet

And yet you needed to keep things private.

Yes, I love you and an affair I covet

If only I could take my emotions out of the closet

To let you know you are my beloved on this planet

With a longing that is racing like a never ending circuit.

I'm Going To Move On.

Hate, anger, frustration,
How does one survive?
Confusion, distraught, depression.
Why even be alive?
Screaming, running, sobbing,
Everyone is swarming.
Yelling, crying, dying.
Does someone really care?
I sit alone now, all by
myself with no one else.
They've all left again for good,
and I am once again alone.
I only have friends when
they need a place to hide.
Does that make them love me?
"My basement's always open. . ."
I sit alone again and cry,
For the friends I wish I had,
But will never see.
all I get are words, in threes.
They speak to me softly,
with worry in their faces.
Do they care? Or is
their worry worthless?
It hurts at the end,
As we all know, but
After that we don't
Know how to go.
Dante once said that sinners go
Where it is dark and dank,
And in the hot below,
Down where Hades rules.
But do we know
Where people go
After their loneliness
Has got to them.
Why stay here where it's sad,
When you can live happy,
No longer alone,
No longer afraid.

January 1, 2011

I am Not Alone Tonight

When life gets too lonely, I step out

of myself...Walk in the shadows of

sunlight, and let the breeze caress my skin.

Across the seas and sands, I feel her arms embracing me. The

winds whisper her name at night,

carrying us to places that no one else can reach.

In dreams we ran and danced together- through our time-

our time wasup. We slipped away. If love has to hurt

I'll endure it forever to see your face again;

to get lost in your eyes and swim in your seas.

Have your waves break over me. The tides tear cruelly at a last farewell,

allowing chiffon breezes to part a kiss. Your smiles melt into my tears,

as I reflect on frozen moments. I wish that time could seize to flow,

stop comong quite so quickly. Your happiness became my pain

as I bleed at the thought of you. like shattered glass, my heart is broken

in a thousand jagged pieces.. I craved your name into my heart to

keep you near to me. I can't forget you, and I won't let go, for the fall

will surely kill me. Missing you hurts like a knife to the heart,

a burden I must bear. The night turns cold, the breeze dies down

Your arms now fall away. I will forever search in the dark to find your touch

Forever eluding my hopeless grasp, I walk with your memory.

Still I find comfort in this agony, for I do not feel so alone.

March 28, 2010

Invisible Me

I tried to be visible 
both body and soul, 
doing all in my power 
to keep myself in control. 
I laugh at your jokes 
both funny and not, 
I remember things you said 
while others forgot. 
Yet you still fail to notice 
everything I do, 
how much I really care 
how in love I am with you. 
While other guys are lying 
on how they really feel, 
I hold my head up high 
This boy is for real. 
Let me be the boy 
that will make your heart sing, 
I want to be your heart 
not just a fling. 
I always try to hide 
what's really on my mind 
as I listen to you talk 
I put my feelings behind. 
You say I'm just a "friend" 
but I wish I could be more, 
The pain is unbearable 
I can't take it anymore. 
Looks like it doesn't matter 
what I say or what I do, 
because no matter what happens 
I'll always be invisible to you... 

Love Hurts!!

You told me that you loved me
why did you leave me to cry in the cold
you swore this time was different
why does that line seem so old

You told me I was the only one
who could make you feel that way
you told me that you cared about me
so why didnt you stay

All the nights you laid with me
alone in the dark in my bed
now I finally realize
you were just messing with my head

love is such a powerful word
a word people often misuse
something they take for granted
something they beat and abuse

My wounds run deep inside me
there's blood all over the place
I think I’ve really lost it this time
I’m ashamed to show my face 

My Death!!

It calls my name inside my head.
It makes me ache and yearn for more.
It eats away my tortured soul.

Am I a fool, too blind to see?
Am I a figment, so unreal?
Is there no heart inside of me?
Can I go on in this abyss?

The devil tempts me with his tongue,
moments of pleasure, full of scorn.
He needs my soul to feel alive,
he needs my body to survive.

I yield to him and bow my head.
He is my master, I am his slave.
Surrender totally to him,
he gets to have the best of me.

I eat and breathe, but there's no life.
I'm just a shell, nothing inside.
Nothing to grieve, nothing to love.
No one who cares, no one to hold.

The pain is spreading through my veins.
It burns like fire, melts me away.
Oceans of hatred swallow me up,
fresh tasting blood burns in my throat.

The gates of Hell have opened up.
The house of pain is now my home.
Flesh eating demons take me alive.
I close my eyes, hope to survive.

But what is hope in this inferno?
It has no meaning, no good intentions.
There's no way out, I'm in too deep
and so I chose eternal sleep...

Help Me Please!!

Help me!
God, please help!

These memories torment and haunt me;
Such pain and horror surrounding,
Lurking in every side of my heart.
I can't seem to cast aside these thoughts away
and it's ripping everything in me apart.
It hurts so much!

Why can't I just break free?
It's like a poison coursing inside me,
A venom running through my veins,
Burning and wreaking havoc within
And leaving nothing but blackened pain.
Just lift these binding chains upon my hands
So that I might be able to touch once again;
Piece back the shattered parts on the ground
Of whatever heart inside me that remains.

This damned prison that forever traps me,
This forsaken darkness so I cannot see,
These breathless lungs drowning in the black sea
That lay before my spirit as I fall from your grace
Are all from this oblivion that has befallen my soul.
God, lift me up from this darkness!
It's killing me,

Torturing everything inside me!
Stop this bleeding heart,
Heal these wounds within.
Damn, this hurts so much!
I can't take it anymore!
I'm trying so hard
To make and change things;
To turn these ashes into the flames they once were,
To remedy whatever it is that I've done wrong.
But I can't seem to make you smile any longer
And I'm the monster in the mirror.
It hurts so much!

Take it away, I can't do this anymore! .


"To these empty ears that lack true enlightenment:
Let everlasting silence that surrounds speak to me
The winds of truth whispering into my spirit;
Each word of temporal significance which you see
Through the scope of your faith in what lies ahead.

In these final moments of lasting memories,
The night fades into immortal fate and lasts eternity
When souls fall into the shadows of forgotten dreams
And touch the hand of eternal death.

These lips that spoke so softly such heavy words to you
When feelings urging me were found to be true
And my ambitions, blind to your desires,
Pushed me to break you down into what I wanted,
What I needed, to witness this lust of the fake reality
That consumed my scattered heart.

I wanted you and broke you down, 
Taking all that I poured out so that I might touch
A fading dream that once lived in me;
Now I see that whatever intentions I once held
To bring joy in your life has become the blade,
Piercing your heart as my blind eyes watched it bleed.

I beg, I plead: just forget all that I have said to you
And fall back to sleep, pretending it all a bad dream;
A black nightmare which I spilled out from a shattered heart
And find peace, a remedy, to the pain I have caused.

Destroy this horrid monster crawling inside my skin - 
Let loose your love to break the oblivion falling in
And forget what I have brought within;
I am nothing but a disaster and failure
So forget me, forget my deeds, my actions,
And walk away from me - an infection in your life."

Thus sang a broken soul, following the splintered heart
That beat inside his hollow chest;
Painful words of poison - burning thoughts of venom
Running throughout his veins.
This soliloquy, this prose 
Of confused and incomprehensible words
Was the best that a creature so broken and lost like his
Could ever express and tell,

The best that a tormented and tortured man
Could share in his own internal and horrid hell.
Forgive this worthless thread of words and syllables
Spoken by such an insignificant creature:
Forget all that I have said on this page
And burn this into ash, watching it fade in the winds.

A Memory of Each Tear That You Cry

As she strolled along the beach in the moonlight, he fell in love.
He watched her glide along the sand like an angel from above.
She had never noticed him before but tonight she did some how.
She strolled over to him, sat down and asked why now?

He told her he was admiring her from afar, as she glowed in the moonlight.
He couldn’t explain why but he was drawn to her; it just felt right.
He thought she would freak out if he showed himself sitting there.
She knew he was there every night at the same time, she didn’t care.

He didn’t scare her in any way; she was actually flattered by him.
Many times she thought of asking him to join her for a swim.
The two got along great and continued their nightly affair.
They would meet in the same place, as one, in the nightly air.

Their romance became the talk of the town, they were a perfect fit.
Inseparable in all they did; they made a promise, never to split.
He was her whole world and she was his too in every way.
They lived on the same beach they met, watching the ocean sway.

He would tenderly hold her every night and watch the moon disappear.
When she was in his arms she felt loved and far from anything to fear.
Then a few years later they got married and life was great.
To start a family together and live in happiness, they couldn’t wait.

Then the fatal night came where these joined hearts were no longer one.
He was on his way home from town; he got a phone call, and heard a gun.
Not sure of who it was that was calling him he stopped and checked his phone.
It was the love of his life ringing him in desperate need of him to be home.

Right there and then his heart nearly stopped as he remembered the gun shot.
He suddenly started speeding up, where he lived he almost forgot.
The hairs on his neck stood up as he drove up to the house that night.
He wasn’t sure of what had happened but it just didn’t feel right.

He stopped the car, as he did he saw a dark figure running from the house.
Automatically he called the police and ran to the aid of his spouse.
He found her upstairs lying on the bed all covered in blood, clothes torn.
He couldn’t believe what he was looking at, together forever they had sworn.

He picked his love up and carried her to the bathroom down the hall.
He cleaned her body between the sobs and put her in a dress and shawl.
He then took her back to the bedroom and placed on to the bed.
He rested her arms onto her chest, avoiding the fact that she was dead.

The police had arrived by now and proceeded to do their jobs.
They worked around him, careful not to disturb him through his sobs.
When they asked what had happened that night he never said a word.
He never spoke to anyone again; he was never again to be heard.

He drifted into his own little world where he didn’t feel the need to speak.
Each night he would sit in silence and stare at the moon like it was unique.
I guess to him it was, he saw her face each time and smiled all night long.
When daybreak would finally come he’d go to sleep listening to their song.

You see true love never dies no matter when you are separated or how.
You must live in each moment as if it were your last; live in now.
No one knows how strong love is or how to control it, so don’t even try.
True love is never forgotten just made a memory, in each tear that you cry

Listen What I'm not Saying....

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear for I wear a mask,
a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and ‘me’
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

January 7, 2010


You were kind and sweet of temper, all the good graces were yours,
all the wind's caresses, all the Gilly flowers of the garden.

You were light of foot, treading as softly as a gazelle,
when you stepped past our threshold it always glittered like gold

I drew youth from your youth and to boot, I could even smile.
Old age never daunted me and death I could disregard.

But now where can I hold my ground? Where can I find shelter?
I'm stranded like a withered tree in a plain buried in snow


If only I had the immortals' potion if only I had
A new soul to give you, if only you would wake for a moment,

To see and to speak and delight in the whole of your dream
Standing right there by your side, next to you, bursting with life.

Roadways and public places, balconies, lanes in an uproar,
young maidens are picking flowers to sprinkle on your hair.

My fragrant forest full of tens of thousands of roots and leaves,
how can I the ill-fated believe I can ever lose you?

My dear, all things have vanished and abandoned me back here

                                         I have no eyes and cannot see, no mouth to let me speak.

January 6, 2010

O' MY STAR.......U HAVE SET....

My star, you've set, fading out in the dark, all creation has set,
and the sun, a black ball of twine, has gathered in its bright light

Crowds keep passing by and jostling me, soldiers trample on me,
but my own gaze never swerves and my eyes never leave you.

The misty aura of your breath I feel against my cheek;
ah, a buoyant great light's afloat at the end of the road.

The palm of a hand bathed in light is wiping the tears from my eyes;
ah my son, the words you spoke rush into my innermost core.

And look now; I've risen again, my limbs can still stand firm;
a blithe light, my brave lad; has lifted me up from the ground.

Now you are shrouded in banners. My child, now go to sleep
I'm on my way to your brothers, banging your voice with me!!


Whenever you stood near the window, your brawny shoulder-blades
filled up the whole entrance way, the sea and the fisherman's boats

The house overflowed with your shadow, tall as an archangel,
and the bright bud of the evening-star sparkled up there in your ear.

Our window was the gateway for all the world, leading out
towards paradise, my dear height, where the stars were all in bloom.

As you stood there with your gaze fixed on the glimmering sunset,
you looked like a helmsman steering a ship, which was your own room.

In the warm blue twilight of evening - ahoy, away -
you sailed me straight into the stillness of the milky way.

But now this ship has foundered, its rudder has broken down,
and down in the depths of the ocean, I'm drifting all alone.

January 5, 2010

A Day of May n I Lost U Dear....

On a day in May you left me, on that May day I lost you,
in springtime you loved so well, my son, when you went upstairs,

To the sun-drenched roof and looked out and your eyes never had
their pleasure of drinking in the light of the whole wide world at large.

With your manly voice so sweet and so warm, you recounted
as many things as all the pebbles strewn along the seashore.

My son, you told me that all these wonderful things will be ours,
but now your light has died out, our brightness and fire are gone.

Sweet Scented Lips.....

My fingers slipped through your curly hair, all through the night,
while you were fast asleep and I was keeping a watch by your side.

Your eyebrows well shaped, as if drawn with a delicate pencil,
seemed to sketch an arch where my gaze could nestle and be at rest.

Your glistening eyes reflected the distances of the sky
at dawn and I tried to keep a single tear from misting them.

Your sweetly scented lips, whenever you spoke, made the boulders
and blighted trees blossom and nightingales flutter their wings.

December 27, 2009

IT'S ABOUT US.........

I got a feeling incomplete in my heart
Don't wanna go it alone though we can never be apart

You are the one for me. I knew it right from the start.
Yeh, we can never be apart

Don't loose your colours....just mingle in mine
Don't loose your sun...come down to my shade
You be always you and I be I...
Let's we be we always...together and never part...

Let's we three walk, side by side.....
carrying all of us together.
Like the cloud is the friend of rain...
fragrance is of the bloomed flower
we three will remain like that....
We three will live like that.....

When my heart goes on, misses a beat,
I know its gotta be you girl.....
When you sweep me off my feet
n' when the rushing blood reaches my brain
sending me some message to say
that you are driving me insane

Love gives your heart to open up and flower.
Lady I owe a life for you...
just be mine always.....

November 20, 2009

My Friends.....I really miss u guys!

bas ek bar wapas lautne ka man karta hai

Aaj har wo din jeene ko man karta hai.

kuch buri batein jo ab acchi lagti hain

kuch batein jo kal ki hi batein lagti hain.

abki baar class attend karne ka man karta hai

Dopahar ki class mein aakhein band karne ko man karta hai.

Doston ke room ki wo baatein yaad aati hai

exam ke time pe wo hasi mazak yaad aati hai,

college ke paas wali thadi ki chaay yaad aati hai

tab ki bekar lagne wali photos chehre pe hasi laati hai.

Apni galtiyon pe tumse daat khana yaad aata hai.

Par tumhari galti dekhne ka ab bhi mann karta hai.

Ek aisi subah uthne ka mann karta hai

bas ek bar wapas lautne ka man karta hai.

bas ek bar aur

wapas lautne ka man karta hai.

This is not my was a scrap 2 me by Er. Sushil...
Just felt like posting.....


Let's pack up all our things,
hit the road, see what life brings.
Take a chance on romance,
hold me in your arms and dance.
Throw caution to the wind,
our love won't bend.
Side by side, we'll walk,
holding hands as we talk.
Creating memories to share,
when we grow old, if you dare.
I'll always be here for you,
that much I know is true.

Dedicated to my love.... kills!!

The world has lasted its veil
throughout the breath of time,
beautiful with dreams imagined
but vaguely distraught with crime.

We dream of peace yet breach havoc
following our ears rather than eyes,
dreaming the day things go our way
no matter another's demise.

Proposed we yet not allow to yield,
rather instead we propel the way,
the world is our big, staged field
to push different dreams at bay.

So speak, dear leader, and feed pride
which we all seem to share,
because we are the greatest nation
to use fear on another's dare.

Cause And Effect

When the phoenix rises from his ashes,
He reminds the world of her clashes.
But he brings a bright light of hope,
A rising sun that glides along the slope.

When the dragon roars and bares his teeth,
He reminds the world of the fire underneath.
But he brings a great revelation,
A dawning realization that there is a destination.

When the wolf pounces on his prey,
He reminds the world of her disarray.
But he brings a blanket of shame,
An anger quickly turning into a flame.

When the serpent uncoils from the deep abyss,
He reminds the world of a rebellion that resists.
But he brings an unification of the races,
And of their differences, there are no traces.


During the deepest hours

I ask myself
During the deepest hours of loneliness,
Until when can my strength go on,
And am i acting all along?

Am i trying to put up a strong face,
To lie to myself?
Or did i really survive,
Those days when i didn't want to be alive?

I have a soul,
That floats on the surface of raging waves.
Waiting to reach an island,
To be stranded there forever.

I know not who i am,
All i know is i don't want to think.
I don't want to consider my pitiful state,
All i want to do is smile.

I want to rise above,
And take the road that is high.
I'll stop asking life questions,
Because i don't ever want to cry.

And during the deepest hours of solitude,
I smile because i have myself.
And in the end,
Isn't that enough?

*Inspired by Rainer Maria Rilke's philosophy of Solitude*

November 18, 2009



The slight dip of your head on the pillow, is still there
The sheets hold the moist scent of your body
My hands are fragrant with the smell of your face
On my forehead is the stamp of your lips
You are so close that I can't see you
Move away a little, so I can see your face.


Behind the prison bars
Ash has begun to settle
In the eyes of the rebel
The white of cataract
Descends in the eyes of even glowing ember
If not fanned for long.


With a tremor the sun rises in the sky
Like a wheel caught in clamp being pushed by someone
Its edges are smudged by shadowy mounds
Not round like everyday
The light on its body is tattered
And on its face are scratches.


For some days now
My neighbour’s house has been silent
I no longer hear the radio
Nor clanging vessels
Hurled about in the courtyard at night

Abandoned, their dog
Wanders to my house to eat
But at night returns
To the doorstep of his home
To sleep.


Remember, one day,
While sitting at my table
You sketched on a cigarette box
A tiny plant...
Come and see,
That plant has bloomed!!

October 9, 2009

My Morning out!

After the last long night try....I suddenly woke up at 04:00hrs. Was a bit unusual thing for me...But you know what..I started to think that "I have woke up...So let's see the night's beauty.'' So got dressed and locked my roommate from outside. As I started coming out...some street dogs looked at me!! As if I was an unusual character at this hour of time! Started pondering over myself....

I'm walking in a dark street,
nothing but my shadows only to guide my path,
I just heard a sharp cry...and wondered
if it was just my imagination!!

I continued to walk,
pondering about my life,
forgetting where I was headed to..
I am looking for answers..
Answers to my own questions.
I knew I would get none of them here.
Noises creep in out of the darkness.

I paused...I stopped..
Where on earth am I heading to..
Pondered over it for sometime..
Hulla!! Got an answer.
An answer about my destination...
It was floating...or was going away..
on a layer of fog.
The tall school building shivers
In the cold air,as I watch
My breaths started floating up to heaven.
I wish I could grasp that haze
And leave my existence forever ever n ever
For the bliss that I’m told
Awaits me beyond the clouds.
But instead, I snap back
To the reality of my life,this is my truth,
this is what I am..this is where I'm
Which I am cursed to endure.
I have reached my destination,
But yet I haven’t.

October 8, 2009

Thought to share a ton of thoughts!!

Hey guys...

Just blogging for the first time.....Some fear within..some excitement runs within. Sat down to pen something but what it is really? I am messed up with ideas. Oops!! Ideas! Friend tell that when ideas start hunting me....seriously there is some problem somewhere.


I am a drifting log of wood...
Drifting through the sea of time
Not getting withered I'm,
Not many parts left in me to rot..
I'm perhaps waterproof,
Still then the sea affects me...
A change is there in me....
Am I growing or I'm kidding???

Lost in my dreams...I once searched for you.
But where to search you???
You have mingled in me...part by part..
Integrated to the dead extent.

To find see you..
I must take you apart...
bring you to my front....
But how????
To take you apart means bringing out my soul...
my feelings...
Are they changing or are they sharpened???
Change Change and Change is you!!!
How to see you?? You are the metaphysical gravity..